Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Rough Guide to Jihad 

Presumably coming soon to travel agencies around the Middle East:
Jihadweb online magazine recently published a two-step guide entitled: "This is the Road to Iraq," which provides instructions for prospective jihadists intent on entering Iraq. The first half of the guide concentrates on mental and physical preparation for jihad, while the second half furnishes suggestions for successfully entering Iraq and cultivating contacts with an insurgent group...

Once the potential mujahid is ready to enter Iraq, the author suggests entering into Iraq "...via the Syrian lands." He notes that while "There is a saying that the Syrian regime turns their face [away] from the mujahideen who take secret roads" Syrian authorities are nonetheless "...complicating things at the entry and exit front, so make your entry to Syria via Turkey, or for a good reason. Your parents should know the reason [by which you are professing to enter Syria]... and it is good if you have your passport with an entry via to Turkey, so you can pretend that you're in transit to Turkey." One a further note, he suggests that potential insurgents "wear jeans and eat donuts and use a walkman which has a tape of any singer" in order to appear westernized, and thus less of a threat.
Why stop there?

1) wear a "Stars and Stripes" or "I Heart Israel" t-shirt
2) display prominent crucifix around your neck, or better still, as an earing
3) make sure the volume is tuned up on your walkman so that people around you can hear the gangsta rap backbeat you're bopping to
4) leaf ostentatiously through the latest edition of "Playboy"
5) whistle at passing females and make loud suggestions along the lines of "take off your burqa"

This will not only show everyone how Westernized you are, but will also result in your martyrdom at the hands of the Syrian locals, thus saving everyone all the trouble, not to mention all the lives in Iraq.

If all of the above still does not work to allay the suspicions of your fellow travelers and security personnel, there is only one other thing you can do to convince everyone of your Westernization: stop people on the street at random and apologize to them for provoking the September 11 attacks.


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